— Ever Ish —
i don't know what i'm doing


Sergei Rachmaninoff having a miserable time with some lady friends.

when i was at home i pretty much never cleaned my room until i was forced to by my mom but now that i have my own room (shared though but it’s like i’m given responsibility for this room) i hate seeing it dirty. maybe it’s because our house was cleaner because there was a clear boundary between shoes off area and shoes on area. (or maybe it’s because i’m more like my dad than i thought.)

why is pittsburgh so small

3/4 tests done

i was so happy when done done and i fast walked back and dropped off backpack and fast walked to restaurant place to get rice and then came back and skipped a bit and happy happy happy

1/4 tests done

how to study


Dmitri Shostakovich playing solitaire.

hahaha what is productivity

the sunsets here are colors pretty but it’s probably because of city pollution and that sort of shit which is sad but people are dumb and blind to it and eventually they’ll become blind to the sunsets too. and i really hate night cityscapes and people like so pretty little lights glittering but i don’t really like that the lit up buildings and blinking changing lights. streetlights and things warm are okay, but night cityscapes are so cold.

i think and i don’t know.

things for some reason sometimes don’t bother me as much and i don’t know why i just don’t think i really feel feel the way other people do or maybe i do but it’s all shut down and buried somewhere so deep even i can’t find it. but it’s all just chemical and electric signals anyways so how deep can it be buried but at the same time. i didn’t know but apparently one of my greatest fears is public embarrassment i guess that’s why i really hate presentations and auditions and performances and doing anything out of my comfort zone when there are people around. even at home home i would only do silly shit and loud singing when i think no one’s paying attention and i don’t know. and true self shit i don’t even know what a true self is. i don’t know about other people but for me i change depending on who i’m around or not around but i think a lot of who i am even around different people they’re all me. i don’t think there is one true self over all or containing all those sides present at once. i’m also really scared of failing and failure and i like to run away from things that pressure me which only causes more pressure and stress because i know i have to do them anyways.

and people here are all around my age and i don’t know but i somehow still feel old like i started feeling last year. i don’t know where to go from here. i’m still a child because i’m unreasonable and throw around words and shit and hate things for petty reasons that aren’t really worth it.

i don’t really miss my parents, or my little brother surprisingly because i missed him a bit when i was away at basf last summer but i still miss my room and my smell everywhere because that’s what made me feel really safe and at home. sometimes i miss friends too but i think that’s because i really haven’t made many here and there’s so many people and i don’t know how to sort them and friends them.

i’ve been thinking about my depression for a while too. i haven’t had it too bad since probably last time a couple months ago i don’t really remember when. but i think it actually started because we moved after fifth grade because then my friends were everything to me and not able to contact them all that often was really shitty because my relationship with my parents has never been super close i think and i still hated my little brother that time because he’s the favorite child. and i don’t remember what i felt before but i remember the midnight phone calls. i think i handle it pretty well now, but that’s how i always think before it comes on i think, and then i get bad and it gets heavy or something and hurts a bit inside so i don’t know. while i wish i don’t have it now, i’m kind of glad it’s made me more aware of things and somehow thinking different like these things aren’t a big deal i can just keep living like before but at the same time i hate it for making me hate things and hate myself and pity myself and hate myself more.

but i don’t even know anymore. i used to hate because everyday was the same as the day before but sometime last school year i realized even though every day is the same some days are a little different and you remember them as different and i don’t know what i want to do in life anymore. i think all things actually have some repetitive aspect to them i don’t know really. i’m not unsatisfied i don’t think but i think i’m pretty insecure and really really scared of failing.


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